Job!

This is a short, non-reflective sort of thought here. But I am so excited! I got a job as a call center from home operator today. It's a temporary contract, but it's an in to the company to get access to other projects as well. I have stressed about going back to work and how I will be around the stress, and for now, its not something I have to worry about. I can work towards paying off my student loans from the comfort of my own home. A minor success to most people, but its a load off of my shoulders!

Therapy

So, I have 29 views so far...lol I am sorry to the 29 people that wasted brain cells reading my dribble. Perhaps if this can speak to one person, let them know they are not alone, it is worth people reading.

This being said, I had therapy today. I took her an email from a therapist that is part of my private yahoo group, who discussed cognitive behavior therapy and its role. It was really to address the issue of judgement. I didn't really think about it prior to reading the therapist's thoughts, but I do believe the act of making a judgement against the person or thing causing the noise or movement is happening. It is human nature to judge. We make judgments or "assess" situations around us all day, everyday. I get angry that my neighbors blare their outdoor television because seriously, the world includes more people in it than just them. No one else wants to hear their television day-in and day-out. I easily judge them as selfish and inconsiderate, as does most of the neighborhood.

It becomes trickier when its your family. I love my mother and brother dearly. So it pains me that I think about them in the ways I do sometimes. Why must they fidget so often. Why must they not be able to sit still for 2 seconds?

This was the long way around saying that I am aware that I do indeed make a judgement often about the people creating the noise or movement that brings me anxiety.

This being said, I am positive that this issue so beyond judgement. I am positive I don't judge my 11 year old son, yet he is beginning to trigger my anxiety. Sadly, he himself suffers from symptoms of Misophonia. I truly believe the expert guesses that this is a neurological problem seated in psychological behaviors. Unfortunately, this seems to make it impossible to figure out which end to start with.

I ordered a guide to cognitive behavior therapy for anxiety this week. I am looking forward to finding ways to becoming a more positive, healthier thinking individual, even if sound and I are still enemies.

Misophonia

Misophonia, or Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome is literally a hatred of sound. Its not just any sound, its normal, everyday sounds that you here any any given moment of any day. Furthermore, for some like me, it's also movements, repetitive movements that seem bigger to me than someone waving their hands in front of my face. The problem? Everyone fidgets around, women twirl their hair at stoplights, bounce their legs when they wait. Children swing around in office chairs, people click their pens repetitively while in thought. There are days I prefer to stay in the house, in my own isolated world with loud box fans and background noise from televisions. I can't even walk out the front door without hearing my neighbors' television, which they so kindly mounted to the wall in their garage and run it from morning till night.

This isn't just an annoyance, or a judgement against people that pollute the world with noise, its a physical, strong reaction. The same reaction a person gets seeing a crime happening or a storm coming is the "fight or flight" response I have every single trigger. My heart races, my palms sweat, I feel the strong desire to hide in a corner with my ears covered and eyes closed.

I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist, psychologist and therapist. This terrible condition, Misophonia, is considered a neurological malfunction with psychological consequences. Unfortunately, Misophonia is not even a real diagnosis, yet to be studied greatly yet. Luckily, I have a psychiatrist that while does not understand the condition, has been willing to try medications that might help. He suspects it's similar to Fibromyalgia. A misfiring in the brain that is barely understood.

I have been using a brain entrainment software program to help with calming my nerves and hopefully balancing out the brainwaves gone awry. I would love to try neurofeedback, but that this time is quite cost prohibitive as insurance does not recognize this as a medical treatment. I am also currently taking Neurontin and Concerta. I am strongly ADHD as well, as well as other symptoms related to Sensory Processing Disorder.

I am currently so motivated to find an answer for this awful problem, as my 11 year old son exhibits similar symptoms to myself when I was his age. I am determined that he will not live in fear as I have. I am using this blog as my personal sounding board, not sure if anyone will ever even read this. But I hope that through writing this down, I can organize my thoughts, see my progress, and maybe can help someone else not feel alone.